Never There

Can you help me understand why you left? Help me understand what it was about my silky straight baby hair, faint breaths, and rapid heartbeat that made you run away? You see I’ve been trying to find out what it was about my little baby body, swaddled in a hospital blanket, cooing at every chance that scared you. Mom says it wasn’t me, says you weren’t ready to sacrifice you, but I can’t help but feel the hole from where you left.

Did you look in my eyes and see nothing? There was nothing about my life that was a magnet you couldn’t escape? No…you walked away and never looked back. A piece of you, you didn’t need. Did you ever wonder who would teach me how to ride my bike? I bet you didn’t know on Father’s Day, I crawled into Paw-Paws lap and thanked him for being everything I thought I needed from you.

My uncles stood in too, they rotated who would take me to ice cream shops, show me how to buy my first car, or teach me how to act on a date. They still weren’t you..….Mom tells me I have built a fantasy in my head, one that makes me think you would have been Cliff Huxtable (did you know I loved that show?)….She never misses a chance to tell me how better off I am without you….I try to reason that she may be right but, I just can’t live knowing a part of me is somewhere drifting in the world.

So I was wondering if you could help me, make me understand, how did you do it? All I want to do is close this chapter in my head. Help me comprehend how you never picked up the phone, never hopped in the car, or got in a plane? How come you didn’t miss me? Why didn’t you come from wherever you lived, scoop me in your arms, and make me feel like the best thing since slice bread.

I never knew what it was like to feel the strength of a man around my delicate frame….all those men think I want them, they didn’t even realize I was looking for you. My brother taught himself to shave from a video on YouTube, he cut himself a few time but he finally got it. Did you ever wonder who would teach him how to love a woman or better yet how to love himself? The first time I felt the stubble on a man’s face was in my college dorm bed. My little brother learned the rules of football from a neighborhood friend, turns out it’s his favorite sport…. Sometimes I wonder what Sundays would’ve been like if you were there.

I look in the mirror and wonder where I got the freckle above my left cheek, wonder was your face round like mine, or oval like my brothers. I wondered if I got my singing from you…I know this seems long winded, maybe even scrambled…I was just hoping you could teach me one thing, how to not care. How to not spend my days wondering where you are out there….Maybe you can show me how to not miss someone I’ve never met because not a day goes by that I’m not reminded you were never there.

Disclaimer: I do not know this pain personally but I have met it through the eyes of my closest friends and family. There is no happy ending here because this pain isn’t easily solved. The results vary for each person from extreme hurt to comfort. I do not know where you fall on the spectrum or if you even fit..But for those of you who still ache from this missing piece to your puzzle please know that whoever left you, missed out on an amazing person. Your focused on what you could have received from the relationship, when the reality is you don’t see what they missed out on by not knowing you. It will be my hope and my constant prayer that every tear (whether cried on the outside or the inside) is wiped away…

The sad truth is that there are some questions we may never fully get answers to. We can assume or guess but at the end of the day we may never know. Just believe that the day you were conceived, God sat around a table, pen and paper in hand, with a group of angels and wrote your story line..He purposely wrote that person out of your life, he knew it would hurt, he knew that that hurt would spawn many curiosities, maybe even tragedies…but he also knew that the moment you realized that He is the best father you can ever have you would be okay. I want you to be okay, I want you to see how beautiful you are, how special you are..This is your story for a reason.

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Comments

  1. Terrific review! This is exactly the type of article that should be shared around the web. Shame on the Bing for not ranking this post higher!

  2. Sharon Miller says:

    Thanks, that’s my story in a nutshell! Wow!

  3. You are brilliant!
    I think that our destiny is not at all defined by who we live life with in this life, maybe only the one spouse we become one flesh with. That is the reason for, though we may be negatively affected by the lacks of our parents we can be confident that the Father of all fathers is watching over all his creations. /Psalm 146:9/
    You have a great heart!

  4. Sarah,
    I sincerely pray God gives you a glimpse into the magnitude of how your gifts bless others. You personally have not felt the type of pain you described but you were blessed with the ability to use your gift to describe this devastating pain that penetrates the soul of the sufferer. Your gift is phenomenal! You singlehandedly disproved the myth that you can’t understand another person’s pain unless you’ve been through it. I pray every word you write in any capacity infiltrates the reader to the core depositing peace in our lives and bring glory to God!

  5. Vaalerie says:

    What great insight!!! This is my nephews story. He longed for the love of his father. Knew his paternal grandparents, but his father never once acknowledged him as his son. Imagine the hurt of a little boy interacting with his fathers other children who he did acknowledge all the while ignoring the one.

    As a family my siblings and I made sure that he had no lack of love and support. My mom and dad made sure of the same thing. He is an adult now and still has unanswered questions that he knows he may never get answers to, but has purposed in his heart to move on with his life.
    His paternal grandparent and siblings on is fathers side also moved on with there lives never looking back to see the hurt and scars they left behind. But God…

    My nephew is a great young man and is treating his girlfriend like a queen. He survived because his upbringing reflected the love of Christ!

    Thanks for this excellent piece!

  6. WOW SARA!!! Another thought provoking post. I love how you ended it and throughout the post you intertwined how God was always there. He promises to be a Father to the fatherless and I am confident just like all the other promises in the Word are true this one is as well. I believe all the people God brings into our lives whether in a male or female body can fulfull the ‘fatherhood ministry” if we will allow them to. I personally grew up in a home with both my father and my mother but like you I have encountered so many who are carrying the hurt of being without their fathers. Well God promises He will never leave us or forsake us and if we will open ourselves to forgive and receive the ‘fatherhood ministry’ He provides we can live a life of peace and fulfillment. Keep posting and blessing the lives of others. I see books in your future!!!

  7. O my goodness! This is such a wowser! It’s my story. It’s my son’s story. Fortunately for me I had my grand pa and seven amazing uncles. I never really missed my dad or felt angry towards him until I was pregnant and accepting the reality that I would be parenting alone. I couldn’t feel that way for the next 8 months of my pregnancy, so I went before God and forgave my dad. It felt stupid for he had already died after our short but lovely reunion.

    I am now a parent, parenting alone. I was motivated after reading ‘Mamas made the difference.’ I did what I never thought of doing before – checked the legacy of the women in my family. Wow! it is rich with strength, love, compassion and forgiveness. I drew strength from those women. I give my best to being an excellent parent. I am often commended for it. But the question is ‘Is it enough for child?’ It certainly is not! He still longs for that other parent. In the midst of praising me for being his mother and best friend, he says the same about the other parent he does not know. He has comforted himself with many stories he created and dreams he claims to have had.

    It hurts! So, I pray and teach him constantly about forgiveness. I do not want to see him grow up and be miserable because of what his life was, but to see that it was divine purpose to help someone see there is something, someone greater beyond the hurts and neglect we face in life.

    Please, DO NOT take this down! You were inspired to write this to help people to heal.

    You are truly blessed. Thanks for being you – obedient to God honouring Him by touching the lives of so many people. It makes me fully comprehend what true worship is.

    Continue writing, don’t ever retire. It’s a bad word! :).

  8. Love it

  9. I wrote this response in such a way first of all to say thankyou for your response to my last post and secondly to not be seen at all because I respect you and this is your Page,but I wanted to respond in the way that one who is seeing the bigger picture may attempt to get YOU to see the big picture. From the ghetto to the white house Lady eyes have not seen, the response that GOD has in store for your beauty/gift. Awesome post, simply awesome. It ruffled my feathers!!! Made me think about my life and the contributions that I have or have not made in the lives of my sons. Wow? God is on to something here!!!! and it is marvelous in our eyes. Keep your voice it’s speaking loud and clear through your words.I am thanking God for you wow!!!!

  10. In a world where it takes two to tangle such is fast becoming so NOT the case. You want a baby? put it in a tube and test it. I’m a she and you a she and since we are now married us want a baby.Fine,you be the mama and I be the papa and we both can fight over our Oscar later. While it is that papa may have been absent, fact is mama is to and as a matter of fact so is grandmama. No… she’s around but don’t have no time for noboby but her new “YO” barbie doll,she tryna get that new Dereon outfit for. I overheard little man, and little mama both saying they was glad that they mama and daddy was never around cause they just love that man from down that big church. The man that brangs his church to us tv and tells us to visit GODS house when we can. That man made my uncle cry and he stopped tucking me in at night. Uncle even got on his knee asking God for to forgive him. That same man had tears rolling down from his forehead to his cheek onto his pretty white shirt. That same man made little mans mama and daddy call one day out of the clear blue sky just to tell them “we love yall”. Us still don’t know where they were at cause there was a whole lot of loud music playing, and some man kept sanging “This is a mans world”.
    Now every since that man comes on tv all the kids in the home sits quiet cause we wants to learn about the KING. We wants to be Queens and Kings cause that man on tv said we were already but just didn’t know it. One day that mans daughter who looks just like a princess came to the school and talked to all the kids.That lady made us think about the mama and the daddy that we never had. We almost cried a little bit but something wouldn’t let us all the way cause we remembered that we’se Queens and Kings and GOD loves us!!! Little man said the boys stop hitting the girls and calling them bad names. Little man said even the meanest of bullies said thankyou to ms.White. (our math teacher) Little man said all the boys with no daddy wrote they daddy letters and even put “God loves you dad” and so do I in there. That pretty lady had a book with her picture on it and we stood in line to get one. She wrote “To little man, the world is yours don’t let nothing stand in the way of your dreams, God loves you and so do I”. Boy that was the bestest day of my life. My name is Victor Joys and someday I’m gonna rule the world…..

  11. *I can remember for about 5 years I would ignore him if he tried to contact me.* <<< Typo..opps:)

  12. Once again, yet another powerful piece from you. Its ironic that you chose that topic, because I use to feel the same way, about my pops, in a way still do, and although I’m just 24, sometimes I still feel the results of my father’s absence in my life. I can remember for about 5 years I would ignore him if he tired to contact him, and he would just cry because all he wanted to do was talk to me. It wasnt until I went to a Christian youth conference and the pastor was talking about strong holds and anger, and hurt, and that I needed to forgive those who hurt me the most, even now. And I can say after I just FINALLY gave it to God, he restored my heart for my father, and my dad is actually on the bus from CA to AL to see me for 2 weeks.. I havent seen him in 3 years, and before then, was about 8 years. So I cherish the talks that I have with him now, and I can say that I’ve truly forgiven him,, and no, it was not simple, but yet a very loooooong draining process,but God, I thank him…GREAT BLOG! *I’m still looking for that “Happy” too… I’ll let you know when I find it:) Thanks for your words earlier today as well.

  13. passion4wisdom says:

    This is profound and so personal. The absence of fathers is an epidemic within it self it leads to identity crises, experiences that grab the precious innocence of many daughters and sons. Whether its through the false assurance of comfort from a drug or gang or the euphoria that the young lady experiences through sexual promiscuity seeking out the scent that she smelled right before daddy left. I love it. Great job.

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