The Time is Now..

All of this happened too fast. One day I was on top of the world, the next I couldn’t tell up from down. I feel so lost, a stranger in my own world. Looking from the outside in as the world passes me by. How did this happen? How did I end up so lost? So disconnected from who I used to be. Who I was seems like a mystery, a dream I remember but can never see again….now I face reality. I can’t even trace back to when it happened. All I know is that feeling became too much for me, so I decided I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Numb my heart to dull the pain, I don’t want to feel the cold of today. Today was yesterday, yesterday became last week, last week turned into 6 months, and now this is just who I am…hard on the outside, too tough to feel.

This works for me. Helps me to protect myself from any and everything. Some may call it a defense mechanism, I don’t care, call it what you will. This is my life to live. There’s just one problem, one thing I can’t escape. It’s becoming harder and harder to keep this up. It’s not that I don’t want to it’s just that it feels like something is chasing me, begging me to give in. Every time I log in to Twitter, talk to a friend, turn on the TV, it’s like a message insists on coming through….I’m tired of living like this, tired of feeling on the verge of a breakthrough or breakdown..maybe even both.. I don’t want to feel the way I felt before, it’s the reason why I live in this cave, this dark place.

I just keep hearing this whisper, this voice, telling me to live. I can’t escape it, everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, I hear His voice telling me to turn to Him. Where do I even start? I have some of the darkest, ugliest secrets…truths so ugly they hurt me to think of….these aren’t lies someone told on me..not a victim, nothing happened.. this really is me..things I said, lies I told…but I’m hungry for You. It used to be easy to run but my soul is tired, my heart is broken. I have nowhere to go, I’m in need of a touch, a reminder of my worth. I don’t even know why I’m here, don’t know why you kept me instead of them but……I want to find out.

God if you can hear this small broken voice among the thousands of strong and mighty, hear me from my heart…..I’m ready…I can’t help what I did, can’t help who I hurt, I just want to feel again….If it’s true what they say, that we are precious in your sight, in spite of the wrong and the past, I want to see myself through Your eyes. I want to get so lost in You, I find the person You intended me to be. I feel like everyone around me is a part of something bigger, something greater than me and You are the only common denominator. It’s time for me to make a change, time for me to give it my all. I’m ready to lay my life down, more of You, less of me.

There’s not a life that isn’t worth the sacrifice of the blood shed on Calvary. There is no past too dark, no secret too dirty that he will turn his back on you. When you feel the most alone, the most afraid, He is there. The one constant, in a world promised to change. You’re not too far that His love can’t reach you. When you’re ready, open your mouth, make your request known to Him. He who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you may ask or think.

It’s time to get your life right… time to let go of the things that hurt you, the pain you caused yourself…the things that numbed you, time for you to find your purpose…Find the God who gave you life and gives you grace. I don’t know where you are in your life, what keeps you from giving in but know that God is calling for you. He will meet you where you are, and take you where you need to be but you have to answer the call. Make the decision to start your life anew. God has used more broken, more scared, more torn…what are you waiting for? He can’t save you until you call for help… The time is now….

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Comments

  1. Thank You, this helped me… its where I am right now and I was unable to put it into words… But you did it for me… Thank You…

  2. Wow! You’re really inspiring me by reading because I felt the same! I was wearing a people-pleaser face on then when I turned around I’m back in my darkest place and I really hated it. But I finally changed for who I am or what I have did. And is getting there I just have to continue praying and everything else but your blog wow, thanks for sharing I really need to hear it.

  3. Awesome! Beautiful expression of God’s love & mercy that reaches us no matter how far we may be from Him.

  4. Sarah! Sarah! Sarah! I’m excited you are so free to share your heart with the world! I love this! I’m unsure what your vision is concerning your writing but I’m praying your confidence continue to grow, your followers increase, lives are changed & souls are saved for the glory of God!! Thanks for sharing!

  5. Sonya Goins says:

    Wow! everytime you write, it seem to open more and more of my mind and heart. I truly feel you on everything you just wrote. Ive search the world for happiness and I have been disappointed most of the time. I have gotten to the point where I so want to give up and go back to the way things use to be. Lately, everything that I have tried to do that is positive, its seems that doors have closed and people have shut me out. I have been trying to go back to school to enlarge my relationship with God, and seek help on writing scripts or christian love stories, but it seem God is blocking it. Living here in California was a dream at one time, now it seem like Im in a foreign country that I so want to get away from. Some of the things that goes on out here, Im not apart of anymore and I truly feel like an alien. I so miss the potter’s house even though I do the service online on Sunday and Wednesday night. At first that was cool to be able to join in online, but again I feel so alone. I am an Aaron’s Army member too, and I receive good teaching from Bishop, but I still feel lost and alone, and needing to know my purpose. I know God is with me, because he has kept me from doing and being apart of alot of things that could have killed me or just mess my mind up. I am grateful, but I know that this is not it. I even join in on service with Pastor Jamal Bryant every Sunday and Tuesday night and I enjoy and I get feed too, but it just seem like Im missing out on something.I was even apart of his Victorious Secret class, but it was financial situation was getting weird. I can’t quiet put my hand on it, but I do know that God has kept me here for a reason. I just wish he would atleast let me see alittle of the reason. I love to create christian love stories, but my drive has gone. I love to sing, and I have even tried to contact the church to see if I could join the choir, but then suppose they were to contact me, then I was wondering where would I live, because I didn’t want to be homeless again, so I said to myself, I will just allow God to make away for me on that. I really don’t know what to do, but I do know that Bishop said in his sermon, when you don’t know what to do, just stand and wait on God. Well just venting, because I could go on and on. Thanks for sharing that testimony with me. I can’t wait to read some. Thanks also for letting me speak my mind. God bless and keep the testimony, or thoughts coming…. 🙂

  6. Mother Ann says:

    There’s nothing more cleansing than surrendering to the Will of the Lord for your life… Forgetting those things which are behind and PRESSING forward through every obstacle, energized by His omnipresence. – His goal for you is set! Be baptized to bury the old and rise to walk in the Newness of Life!

  7. “I just keep hearing this whisper, this voice, telling me to live.” I agree Sarah. Live, in spite of, not because of. Great post!

  8. Sarah you make us PROUD!! Thanks for ministering to all people. Often we need to be constantly reminded to put the past behind and move forward. Love the statement “there’s not a life that isn’t worth the sacrifice of the blood shed on Calvary”. I’m often reminded of Lametations 3:23 “His mercies are NEW every morning, great is His faithfulness”. It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday choose to receive His forgviveness and the new mercy today. His blood covers a multitude of sin. That blood cleans my conscious of dead works! Hebrews 9:14. Keep encouraging and blogging.

    YOUR #2 FAN

  9. You are truly on point Lady and it is a point well taken. I feel the shifting of seasons in my life and I perceive that NOW is the time.Keep lifting hearts.Thank you!

  10. Ty Nelson says:

    What a profound message! I loved how every word on the page built onto the next one. A written masterpiece that will surely touch and penetrate the hearts of those who are in a back sliden condition or can’t break the cycle of sin.

    “There’s not a life that isn’t worth the sacrifice of the blood shed on Calvary.” This line hit me SO hard b/c all to often as believers we are critical or judgmental of those we know in willful sin. And even though I know that statement is true and SO many people need to hear it. I know that even I have watched the news in disbelief of how someone hurt/killed a child or tortured and/or killed a person and I am so shocked by the crime that sometimes I think ‘that’s unforgivable’ but the truth is what you said in that line and I now I’m even guilty of not remembering that truth! Lord forgive me!

    Thank you Sarah for penetrating our hearts and cleansing our soul with your words!

  11. You are on point lady Sara and it is a point well taken.Thank you for encouraging my heart.

  12. You just wrote my heart…. Thank you.

  13. please dont stop writing, your words confirm, comfort, uplift and inspire!!!!!!!!!Thank you

  14. Oh my gosh! This was incredible. I felt like you were talking to me. Your blog just keeps getting better and better. I am so happy that I found you because Jesus definitely speaks through you and into my heart. It’s like you speak my language or something. I totally relate, connect and resonate with you. Thank you for rhave the courage and risking by writing your blog. Sis, I am being honest, it is life transforming and powerful.

  15. Wow, this hit home for me. I am so thankful for this, have a blessed day

  16. I love this. The message is so powerful to those who hold on to past pain, past, hurt, past grudges, and the past. And let the past dictate their present and even their future. I am one of those people and I am so lost right now and i’m looking for that reality. I’m tired of that dark place and the one too many breakdowns. Feels like my life is dwindling and drifting away and I haven’t even lived yet. (17 yrs old). I know God is there ut at times its hard to turn to Him because I don’t feel worthy enough. Sin after sin after sin….. People have hurt me and because of that hurt, in return, i’ve hurt other people. I’ve lied and did so terrible things. And I ask myself, do I deserve forgiveness? Or does the person who hurt me, deserve my forgiveness? It’s time for me to make a change, time for me to give it my all. I’m ready to lay my life down. But i’m afraid.

    • When you get caught up in sin after sin.. Issue after issue.. It can feel like an endless cycle. I’m telling you right now that it’s time for you to break out. You may not know what’s right but you know what’s wrong. If you aren’t living a life that you’re not even happy with, you have to make a change. You’re strength lies in God, and you’re too strong to be feeling this week.

      You don’t need a fancy prayer or sermon… Tell God where you are, how you feel and that you’re ready. Let your actions reflect your heart and free yourself from bondage.

      I’m praying with you, that you find your way home.

      • Thank you. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of, but I’m on my way. I’m ready to live and stop hiding. I so grateful that you give us(me) your heart through this blog. After I read this, I kinda felt the pressure released from me, like all the burdens had been lifting. I know I have a lot of praying to do about this still. But after years of the same thing, your words are whats making me really wanna step into reality and forget the past and see what God has in store for me. I’m ready to make a change for the better instead of constantly doing for the worse. Thank you.

      • When you make a decision to live for the better, sacrifice your flesh to feed your spirit, God will show you how strong He is. The enemy will tempt you, try to convince you that it’s not worth it. Don’t give up! Your time is now.

        Always here for you…

    • By the way, when I was typing this reply my phone completely shut off, it has never done this before…. Someone doesn’t want you to hear this.

  17. elsie udofia says:

    Really touched by your blog, felt as if u read my mind as u were writting. I need more of you Lord, now dat i ve come to d realiazation that there is no point hiding

  18. Sarah I dont know where to begin I am in tears..This blog ministered to my soul and answered so many questions I have had for a very long time but I didnt know how to word it or even understand what i was feeling. You know I am a PK so I have heard so many things from “people” about they believe my calling is but never from God. I know what I love doing in ministry but not sure if that is what God has called me to do. I want to accept and walk into my calling but I was afraid as well. Your blog has opened my eyes to see a whole different view on things. Thank you so much!

    Love,
    Monet

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