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I am my own person, I don’t need anyone to pay my bills, buy me a meal, get my car fixed, or negotiate next month’s payment.  Sure it’s nice to be able to cook the bacon, but you have to know how to bring it home too. This is the mantra women live by. Gone are the days of I HAVE to stay home, staying home is an option I may or may not choose. Somewhere along the way, we started teaching our boys to cook and sew on buttons because “you may not have a woman and you need to learn how to do this.” Boy you need to learn how to grocery shop and make at least basic meals. Just learn how to take care of yourself, ya hear?

We start this training as adolescents, how to be independent. How to live without depending on someone else for our livelihood. We perfect it over the years and then it’s time for us to get married. With love in our eyes, beaming through like rays of sunlight, we look at the person we love fully and say, I want to spend forever, as one, with you.  Everything is blissful, even perfect maybe, until your spouse starts teaching your independent self, how to pay bills, how to grocery shop, what seasonings to use, when to put gas in the car, and how to fold your shirts label up so you always know which one is which. I’m sorry but I didn’t get married to be your personal assistance, you fell in love with ME, now you want to change how I think, how I communicate, even how I fold clothes!

Somewhere through the years, whether through progression, education, or survival we learned how important it was to be independent, how to live fully without the assistance of a mother, father, or spouse. It seems downright disrespectful that you would ask me to shave a part of me away to make your life easier, forgetting that this is exactly what we have signed up for.  There is no way to take two whole pies and make them one, less you cut pieces of them both and fit them together, this is the journey of marriage.  We all know that this is the goal when we get married, but none of us realize how painful this process can be, cutting off pieces of you to fit your spouse.  It took me years to learn how to do this, and now you want me to cut it away?  It can feel like that person is trying to change you, which tends to be frustrating when your spouse knew those things about you before you married.

It is imperative, when falling in love and choosing a spouse that you don’t just choose one who looks good, makes you feel like a slice of heaven, takes good care of you and so on… choose someone you don’t mind exchanging pieces of you for more of them. Initially, when I started writing I used the word sacrifice, but I took a moment to look it up and changed it to exchange. Sacrifice only focuses on the loss, not what you gain in return. Marriage should be an exchange of goods. I don’t want to sacrifice; I want to exchange this piece of me for an even better piece of you, a piece that makes us closer to being one.

Marriage is an eternal covenant. Whether you stay married, or divorce, the person you marry will always have pieces of you, you will never get back.  So choose wisely, who you decide to make an exchange with. Be sure that whatever you receive in return, is worth giving away that piece of you. More importantly, remember that anytime you cut away a piece of you it may hurt. There are some things that are easy to give up, I do not miss taking out the trash! There are other things that may cause a twinge of pain, and those things may vary for each person.  Just remember that overall if you married someone worth the exchange, it may hurt but it’s for the better. Don’t cause a fight or argument every time you have to give up a piece of yourself, there was no way to become one unless you both cut pieces away. If you’re arguing over every change that you have to make, I challenge you to examine if you view your spouse as someone worthy of the exchange. If you do, what are you arguing about?

Our need to be independent can often cloud the overall goal of oneness. 1 Cor 11:11 In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. Try as we may, once we enter the covenant of marriage we cannot be independent of one another.

God, make me a better wife. Help me to understand clearly how my marriage can serve Your kingdom. Give me wisdom to know when to be quiet, when to comfort, when to make a stand, and when to pray. God help me to not have so much pride in myself, I make my husband feel unworthy of an exchange. Teach me how to love this man, how to help him reach his maximum potential. God I know this prayer may be different, because I’m not focusing on what I need from him but rather what he may need from me that he prays to You about.

May Your peace invade my heart, Your love teach me humility, Your ways teach me wisdom, Your voice guide me through the time when cutting parts of me makes me afraid. Teach me the strength of my love, the beauty in being half so we can be whole.

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Comments

  1. So well said!

  2. Nyjul McKeel says:

    Oh sis I wonder how many fellas would read this. Marriage is such a touchy subject for people because most don’t want to be wrong. I really want to know hoe many will take you challenge… ” I challenge you to examine if you view your spouse as someone worthy of the exchange. If you do, what are you arguing about?” if you have someone that will really be honest about that then their relationship will sky rocket. Even as a man that desires to be married most of us (men) do not really seek what you are speaking of. I could go on and on but I choose to stop here lol could get thick. I am a rare breed so I think a little different from most guys. We will talk later if you care to know and share with your readers.

  3. thank you

  4. That was so Awesome Mrs. Henson! I think I might want to be married now… Keep allowing God to use your ministry of Blogging!

  5. ChauntaeS says:

    Thank you for clarifying sacrifice versus exchange of one another’s best qualities.
    Very well said! I thank God for your parents. Continue!

  6. Wow! Awesome! I also love the word exchange! You have challenged me to look at marriage a little closer and different when that time comes in my life!

    Blessing to you Might Woman Of God!

  7. Sonya Goins says:

    Wow! thanks for that insight on what to know and look for in marriage. I wish I would have known that in the past, but I am grateful for you to explain it now, so I want make the same mistake twice. This was so refreshing to read and understand exactly where you are coming from. Thanks again for the wisdom. Lord help me to receive and keep this in my spirit at all time, while Im preparing for my Boaz. In Jesus Name. Amen….

  8. Amen!

  9. Life in the Overflow Magazine says:

    Sarah, I have shared your blog with my Life in the Overflow readers! You are a blessing Woman of God! Thank you for blessing me with this post this morning. Thanks Pastor Bridget for the heads up!

    Shanica Bell
    Editor-in-Chief
    Life in the Overflow magazine
    http://www.lifeintheoverflow.com

  10. elsie udofia says:

    Brilliant, very brilliant Sarah, thanks. Ur posts always inspires Me. May God give u more grace. Ur blessed

  11. Sarah,I began following you because Patr Bridgette spoe highly of you! I would lovee to shar this blog! This blessed me and I am unarried! God bless you!

  12. Wow… Im mad now that ive gotten divorced that fool will always have my pieces..thats not fair..and if I have his, then I dang sure dont want em..i need an exorcist to perhaps remove em I guess..smh..no but seriously, great blog as always, I learned something for maybe another time in my life.thhhhanks:)

  13. Sarah your skills and talents are amazing. Once again I repeat you are wise beyond your years. I love the use of the word exchange instead of sacrifice. We exchange wedding vows yet when we are challenged the enemy inserts the word sacrifice because he wants us to focus on losing not gaining. I thank God my 36 years of marriage have taught me exchange and I believe I received the better portion of the exchange. I am a much better person because of what I have gained from my husband. Thanks for continuing to impact our lives.

  14. pvarsenec says:

    You did it again, another brilliant post. You were speaking to me. I am fiercely independent, I was brought up like this. I am very comfortable with doing things on my own, it’s my comfort zone. It is something I know well and something that was ingrained since I was a child. I admit I haven’t made the best choices when it came to men. And because of that, people have pieces of me which they didn’t deserve, nor did they value it either. Thus, who I am today isn’t the same person that I was yesterday. I can’t say I am better, I can say that I have been bitter based on the hurt and pain of my foolish choices. This is my second marriage, I was married once before for 13 years, no kids. I was abused for all those years. Needless to say, we separated and divorced. Divorce isn’t fun, it leaves a stigma of failure in your soul even if you wanted it. Finally, I met my current husband 9 years ago. I was a ‘Christian’ and I met my husband in a club, bottle full of bub lol! It was on my 36th birthday, our romance began on a dancefloor. Fast forward, we are married almost 8 years and have two beautiful boys. I am going to be honest and say, I don’t enjoy being married. Marriage to me has been extremely hard for some of those same things you mentioned in your blog. I need to continue to pray for my healing and attitude because it pervades my marriage in a negative way. And yes, pride as well. Thanks again for your thought provoking and wise blog. I totally appreciate you. Blessings to you.

  15. I don’t have a clue but I did come from a nuclear family. I watched my mom and dad do the marriage thing and it was awesome, as for me whenever I get married should I be so blessed to be found again I plan to approach marriage like my relationship with GOD. I plan to exercise fully who God created me to be (His orginal intent for my life) but to share myself wholeheartily for the common unity of being in agreement with His perfect will. My husband won’t be my God but I plan on loving him,submitting to him, and having faith in him as if he were the next best thing no matter what. He will become my conscious decision to give the GOD in me…(which is the greater in me) away as it relates to marriage being a ministry.My goal will be to seek his constant happiness which will mean that the man will have to have the goodness within or capacity to be happy. We both will be unified through marriage as husband and wife but brothers and sisters none the because we will share love for the same Father. Your post really made me answer yes to the question that a great man of God once put out there asking if we would marry ourselves if we were the other person. Once again you have addressed a very complex yet simple issue with sensitivity and great insight. God bless you.

  16. No no can truly understand marriage unless they know God. People enter marriage based off emotions bc we think all we need is that (feelings). His word/instruction for marriage is practical and beneficial to our flesh n soul. I reflect on what u mention that people think they need just a little Jesus n they will get through. So true, of people think that way; just get Jesus on a Sunday n they r all good. But we know we need the Lord All the time for everything. Great post.

  17. BOOOM!! Love, love, LOOOVE it!! I was just ranting to someone about this same topic…..what’s the point in being married if you’re just gonna stay independent??? Stay single if you want that….lol…..wonderful and insightful!! Bless ya!!

Trackbacks

  1. […] and I wish to share a blog post about marriage in all its sanctity.. So here is Sarah Henson again. the one Talking about marriage And the “exchanges”not sacrifices involved.. Stay blessed always […]

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