The Anger of Yesterday

I’m tired of being Ms. Optimistic, tired of always seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, the rainbow after the storm, blah blah blah….I’m mad! And I’m going to sit right here for a while because I don’t ever get to just stay mad! I always pick up the pieces and move forward like a soldier. Nope! That’s not me anymore. I’m not going to pretend like this doesn’t hurt because it’s all that I feel. I’m not going to try and act like it’s okay and time will heal everything because I’ve never felt any”THING” that felt like this before. This anger that breathes inside of me is all I want to feel right now.

Every morning, every day, every evening I will be a walking reminder of what happens when your trust is betrayed. I’m not even going to call it hurt because it’s not! This, my friend, is anger. It’s the distant cousin of hurt that steps in to protect me from your worse. I gave you the best parts of me, I gave you everything and now, there are no tears, there is no pain, just anger and I like it here. I went to church yesterday and I just sat there, pleading with my anger to not blow my cover and show where I’ve been broken. I made it through church even through Sunday dinner, I got up and went to work, the same robot I was the week before.

It wasn’t until my sister dragged me to that silly comedy show and the comedian was in the middle of his punch line that it hit me. While others around me were laughing hysterically, I burst into tears. Here I was so obsessed with punishing you with my anger, I couldn’t even remember who I was. The truth is, I didn’t want to be that person anymore. The person I was before let this happen to me. I want to be tough and strong….I never want to feel that kind of pain again. I don’t even know where to start, don’t know how to move on…don’t know if I even want to move on. I wanted to hold onto the anger of your distrust for as long as I could, as if somehow living in the moment of that anger would prevent it from happening again.

The truth is, you can hold onto the anger of yesterday for as long as you want, but you can’t hold onto that anger and live. You cannot breathe and live in the anger of the past and not eventually replace all the beautiful things about you with darkness. I thought I was doing myself a favor, breathing in the smoke of that anger it wasn’t until I noticed my lungs…my heart…turning black that I realized I had to let it go.

It wasn’t what I wanted to do but I only had two options, continue to hurt myself by breathing in that anger or take the lesson from it and choose to live. For some reason I felt that if I forgave you, it meant that I was okay with what you did, that I accepted it. That’s not what it means, forgiveness means that I will no longer let what happened, control my life. It may be a part of my life, it may be a piece I cannot erase but, I will not let this define my life. So anytime I felt the familiar face of anger peeking into my heart I made a decision to turn away. Just like I made a decision to be angry, I have decided that I will be happy. I could not handle even a hint of anger so I can’t entertain any of it at all. I had to move my mind from the anger of yesterday into the hope for tomorrow.

The days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, and I started feeling my strength coming. I remembered what it felt like to laugh, one of those good belly laughs. I let my eyes water on silly commercials, and full-fledged tears come at the end of my favorite movie. As if God was testing my faith, I suddenly felt an urge to apologize to the person who hurt me. To be honest when I even thought about apologizing, my throat started closing up! I mean seriously, I didn’t do anything?! And anything I did do was a chain reaction that started with them… I did the math over and over and two wrongs were definitely making a RIGHT in my head.

Then it hit me…..The apology, just like the forgiveness, wasn’t for them. It was to separate myself from them. I apologized to them because my relationship with God calls me to carry myself in a way that reflects Him. No matter what the circumstance was or how badly it hurt, I should have never allowed you to separate me from my relationship with God.

I don’t know what you’re holding onto today….What anger or pain you have unresolved in your heart…. All I can say is you aren’t going to just snap out of it, you aren’t going to wake up one day and those feelings be gone. You have to actively choose to forgive, live, and love.

God in Psalms 51:10 David called unto you and said, “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Today, I’m asking you to do the same in me. I want to feel again. I want to smile, love, laugh, cry, and live again. God I’m asking You to meet me where I am. Your love is strong enough to clean the worse toxins out of my life. I am opening my heart, I can’t do this own my own, I tried. God help me to love Your people as You do. Above all, God I need strength, strength to be the person you called me to be, in spite of what others may do to me.

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Comments

  1. Sarah,

    All I have known (all my life) is abuse on all levels. I am working on my freedom but I tell you the truth this is not easy.

    In this blog you stated…. I suddenly felt an urge to apologize to the person who hurt me. To be honest when I even thought about apologizing, my throat started closing up! I mean seriously.

    Sarah, are you for real? Did you actually do this? I am asking because the very thought of me writing an apology letter or simply apologying to the one that nearly killed me (and others that helped) is unthinkable.

    I just recently managed the courage, with the help of God, to pray for them but apology? Can you help a sista out please?

  2. Sarah, Many are called but the chosen are few. God Bless you for being obedient and walking fearlessly in your calling. You are truly talented and an excellent writer. Your blogs will redirect and resurrect many lives back into the body of christ. So many of Gods children need help, many need to be healed and have their Faith restored. I too had an issue with anger towards many who had hurt me and yes, I had done the math too. My answer: Their continuous wrong + my right to defend myself by any means necessary = I was right! God WILL Forgive me no matter what. I was wrong and I felt so awful afterwards. I let someone who obviously wasn’t a respector for Christ distract me from my purpose and caused me to mess up and step out of my peaceful christ-like character. In the book of Romans 12:9-21 it speaks about Loving what is good, Blessing “NOT CURSING!” those who persecute you, and most importantly, DO NOT REPAY ANYONE EVIL FOR EVIL, DO WHAT IS RIGHT IN THE EYES OF EVERYONE, the just & unjust. Thank You (:

  3. This may sound redundant but this is the first time I’ve read on forgivness and understood it was made so plain and actually understood my feelings and reservation but helped me …took me by the hands to let me know” I get you I understand how you feel…Ill let go first then we’ll do it together” thank you Ms Sarah thank you

  4. THIS ONE IS FOR ME

  5. Whitney Clark says:

    Sarah, very powerful words. Such a good delivery!

  6. WOW!! So liberating for all who have walked in this place. VERY WELL communicated. This was a voice for those who possibly could never articulate this pain. Thanks for being that voice AND a voice of resolve… Thru Christ!!

  7. WOW!! So liberating for all who have walked in this place. VERY WELL communicated. This was a voice for those who possibly could never articulate this pain. Thanks for being that voice AND a voice of resolve… Thru Christ!!

  8. Your blogs have reached inner recesses in me that I didn’t even know were there. The beginnings are usually calm, serene then….GOTCHA! LOL! I love your writing style! I look forward to your blogs – I’ve even subscribed! Thank you for sharing your gift! It is helping many!

  9. Thanks. After I got done reading this, I said that’s what’s wrong. I’m hanging on to anger and hurt, cause in a sense, its all I know. “The truth is, I didn’t want to be that person anymore. The person I was before let this happen to me. I want to be tough and strong….I never want to feel that kind of pain again. I don’t even know where to start, don’t know how to move on…” I can’t hold on to the anger and live. No matter what the circumstance was or how badly it hurt, I should have never allowed you to separate me from my relationship with God.I want to smile, love, laugh, cry, and live again. Thank you. God you know where I am and you know where I’m tyring to go, so I ask in Jesus Name, that you meet me where I am. AMEN!!

  10. Remind me to give you an offering when I see you!!! This was GREAT!!! This writing along with Jill Scott’s song “Hear my call”…RIGHT ON TIME! You are such an amazing writer! I’m ready for your first book or movie!

  11. You are AMAZING!!! You knocked it out of the park!!!!

  12. Oh My Goodness Glory To God!!!!! What A Mighty Word!!!
    oh how I needed to read this!! Thank You Jesus! And thank you
    for the annointing that you have placed on Sista Henson!! To God
    Be the GLORY!!!

  13. Sarah, you are an incredible writer. Continue to blog it’s a blessing to all that take time to read. Keep it coming.

  14. Edith Banks says:

    Beautiful words of encouragement written from a heart like God’s. You are truly a blessing.

  15. Robert Moore says:

    Thank You It felt like my wife was letting me know how she feel Thanks again, I hope a book is coming out next,,,

  16. There is always a line in your writings that pierce my soul and this was the line: “No matter what the circumstance was or how badly it hurt, I should have never allowed you to separate me from my relationship with God.” Whew girl! That’s a message that preaches to the hearts of God’s people!

  17. Once again–wow!! #testimony and #conviction…..LOL

    I appreciate your thoughts!! Kudos!!

  18. @1anointedDiva says:

    This was amazing Sarah!! Truly anointed to do what you do! Keep letting Him use you! I don’t like to read blogs,but I sure read yours and always glad I do! Keep writing the melodies of your heart to help heal others. Thanks for not just being a great writer but to use yourself as an example.To be so transparent with us;) Blessings!! Xoxo-Destini

  19. Natalie Mott says:

    Today, I choose to forgive, live, and love…tears!
    Thank you – sincerely!

  20. Very Good Sarah!! Wonderful articulation again. I think this blog would be a great movie. Reading this almost makes you feel you are in the church and the comedy show.You are an amazing writer. I was telling Bishop Hilliard about your skills; he says she has an honest gift look at her parents.I know your Mom & Dad are proud but as I always say your #2 FAN is extremely proud. Keep blessing others with your talent. I will invest in your first book or movie!

  21. How in the world did you get inside my head.

    My heart is open. Help me God to love your people as you do!! Your love is strong enough to clean the worst toxins out of my life!!!

    THANK YOU!!!!!!

  22. “forgiveness means that I will no longer let what happened, control my life. It may be a part of my life, it may be a piece I cannot erase but I will not let this define my life. So anytime I felt the familiar face of anger peeking into my heart I made a decision to turn away”

    you help millions everytime you write, keep going im sure that God is smiling as iam as well

  23. pvarsenec says:

    Ok now, this is becoming scary. Are you like reading my mind or heart? How is it that you have touched on major issues in my life since you started this blog? This is something else, seriously. I guess it doesn’t matter who reads this because they don’t know me, so if they want to judge me and my walk with God feel free. Sarah, this blog hit home. This is by far the one thing I struggle with… anger. Fear and anxiety perpetuate it. Whenever I feel threatened or that familiar insecurity well up from within me I seem to get angry. I don’t know what it is but when I am truly scared, I get angry. I turn into this person I normally am not. People who witnessed it are surprised, because I pretty much am friendly and smile a lot on the regular. So when my anger wells up, it takes people completely off guard. Let’s just put it this way, it ain’t cute. Seriously, I have been secretly praying for a long time that the Lord take this affliction away. I want to truly love others not in a ‘religious’ way, but an authentic way. I don’t want to be walking around with this monkey on my back. To be honest, I have to just keep it real and tell you that I was abused since childhood on multiple levels. People that have known the details of my life have called me a miracle. However, I am grossly aware of my brokeness, the torment that is associated with abuse that stays with you throughout your life. It’s like you are crippled, but not everyone sees it. Because I have worked hard in masking it from the world as best I could, until it’s triggered. Then the shame from the failure of my anger envelops me and the devil has a field day telling me that I should give up because I will never amount to anything for God. I can hear him laughing after I fall again after losing my temper. Sarah, I believe the two biggest obstacles for me has been fear and anger. You touched on both in your blogs. I am going to be 45 in October, when will I become all that God wants me to be? I don’t know, but I truly desire to be set free from this torment and affliction that plagues me. Thank you for allowing the Lord to use and speak through you mightily. You are touching many lives, which thankfully includes mine.

  24. Patrice Hall says:

    I’m sure we have all been at the crossroad of forgive or not forgive…. Thanks for reminding us of the consequences of each choice.

  25. Patrice Hall says:

    Sarah you have done again!!! Initially I was like…. Where is Sarah going with this?? :-). It was suspenseful to see what the end would be… Would you rationalize to stay in anger or choose to forgive. Thanks for sharing your gift!!!

  26. Sonya Goins says:

    THANKS!

  27. Wow…this was just what I needed 2 hear. Need 2 forgive my ex and become the person God wants me 2 be. Be blessed and continue 2 bless others

  28. Girl! I am LITERALLY in tears as I read this! I think that this piece has touched me the most thus far, and its because I’m STILL angry, and hurting(If you read my blogs you know why).. I just can’t seem to let go of this feeling. I’ve become a robot, and i hate who I’ve become because of the things that has happened. I say I have forgiven, but I do not truly think I have, because I still feel trapped in this emotional, heart breaking cycle. After so much effort to make things better, I just get knocked right back down and Its frustrating. I use to be viewed as the happy go lucky girl who smiled and laughed at everything, and now, Im a Grinch, I’m mean, and most times bitter, and I just want a magic pill to change me back:(.. *sighs* I guess I’ll keep praying. But thank you for this. Much love, ..*Queenbubbleguts* 🙂

    • If you pray and still decide to be angry your prayers are in vain. Pray, yes, but when you start feeling that pain do not give into it. Turn on happy music, go workout, do something to distract yourself. Anger has no place in your heart. You can’t continue to breathe in that hurt. It’s time to choose something different.

  29. You’re an excellent writer ! Great job!

Trackbacks

  1. […] night, I came across a blog titled, The Anger of Yesterday, which made me think.  I gave this situation over to God last year.  I knew that it would be a […]

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