Guided Me Home

Large clothes covering a growing tummy, swollen feet, incessant slumber, too many emotions to fit in a young heart. Where do I go from here? Playing with fire, my hand got burned. Only God knew where I was…only He could save me. Too afraid of what those closest to me would feel. I’d rather play pretend then face the reality of who I am. It was too hard to admit that I had messed up this badly. I disappointed myself, wanted too much too soon. I hurt myself.

Sitting in the heart of our home expecting an outburst of anger, a yell of sorrow I learned in a loving embrace that you’d rather correct yourself than be corrected by God. You will never be able to stray so far away that God can’t reach you, but the further you stray the harder it is to find your way home. I found home at the age of 14 in a labor and delivery room, with my parent’s surrounding me, praying as God gave me an insurance policy that I’d never stray that far away again.

God gave us free will so that we can feel what life is like without Him. Submission is an invitation for Christ to dwell within us and lead us closer to His destiny for our life. I am faithful to God because I need Him to be faithful to me. I want to live a life that makes him proud of who I am and what I have done with the air He breathed into my lungs. I had to work twice as hard as everyone around me to make sure I didn’t get left behind. I exchanged sleepovers for late nights watching Barney, exchanged midriff tops for onesies… For all of this I am grateful. God gave me weight to slow me down, so that I wouldn’t be like the prodigal son giving away my worth.

I can remember feeling like everyone was staring at me, thinking negative thoughts…. I became very familiar with shame, learned quickly how loud whispers can be, how fast rumors travel. …More importantly I learned to never let anything or anyone convince me I was no longer worthy of dreaming, living my life to the fullest.

This is for you…You who chose to give up on your dream because you’re convinced the weight of your past will never outweigh the hope of your future. I just wanted to tell you something that I learned, something that remains true to this day….Find out who you are in Christ, allow him an invitation to live in the deepest darkest parts of your heart. When you know whose you are, you will without a doubt run into WHO you are. God doesn’t take into account the opinions of others before he decides whether or not to lend us grace.

God’s grace has seeped into the holes of crack houses, shelters, abortion clinics, jails, even the labor and delivery room of a 14 year old girl. God’s grace doesn’t consult the whispers’ of men because he knows their deepest, darkest secrets, as well.

What you’re going through may feel like punishment now but ,when you survive this you will see it was God guiding you back. Don’t talk yourself out of living because one time 8..12..17..20 years ago, God had to pull you back in. He’s pulled us all in, allowed us all to discover how difficult life can be without Him. Be thankful when God doesn’t let you have what you want, when you want it. He knows our limits, knows when we’ve had too much. God doesn’t serve us, we serve Him. I find myself pregnant again, at the age of 23, this time with possibility. I am embracing the obstacles of my past, they made me strong for such a time as this.

God I thank You for not giving up on me when man said I was unworthy. I thank You for being faithful to me even when I turned my back on You. I don’t know what You protected me from but I am grateful You saw worth in me that I did not see in myself. I realize now when I thank You for protection, that it includes protecting me from myself. My life could have taken a detour that left me lost, but You saw fit to not just create a roadblock but also guided me home….

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Comments

  1. C. A. Hayes says:

    Amazing. I hope that God continues to speak hope and life into so many women young and old. He is using you in a powerful way!

  2. Your testimony is powerful. It speaks volumes to teens on the dangers of sex. It speaks to the people that judge. It speaks to forgiveness. I thank you for sharing your story. You didn’t have to let the world know this. You became transparent so that God could use you. For that, I love you. I have never been in your shoes, but I do mentor young girls. You have a ministry to reach them. You understand. I hope you continue to share you experiences and God’s grace. SHARE. SHARE. SHARE. I hope other women will share their Damascus Road experience so that other girls can be saved.

  3. Such an outstanding testimony of God’s grace. Without reprecussions we wouldn’t know him as our redeemer. Your testimony brought tears to my eyes and stirred my spirit.

    • Wow !! I struggled with whether or not to put myself out like that but I wanted to tell my own story… I’m glad you didn’t judge me. Thank you.

      • Thank you for your transparency. I appreciate your testimony, and that you are allowing God to use you to share words of encouragement from your heart. Oftentimes what we think are our “messups” God can use for our MINISTRY.

        Keep being an encourager!

  4. Oustanding testimony of God’s grace and love. Without reprecussions we couldn’t know him as our redeemer. This brought tears to my eyes and stirred my spirit.

  5. Sonya Goins says:

    Thank you Sarah, for such a touchy testimony. Thank you for being able to share what was needed for me to not give in and let the devil do to me what he did back in the day. Thank you for sharing a prayer at the end for letting me be so grateful that no matter what my trials and tribulations was back then, that he still protected me from myself. God bless and may God keep providing you with this wisdom to share with us. 🙂

  6. All I can say is, God bless you!

  7. Thank u Sarah, you’re amazing, God has really given u a wonderful gift, may He open more doors for u! Being a born again christian who fell pregnant outside wedlock last year, I’m still recovering from the guilt and the shame that’s why I’m so thankful for your testimony! Keep on being the wonderful vessel u are!

  8. An amaaaaaaaaazing ministry of words to the hearts of all who feel and have felt faint..(every soul on the planet) . As a parent your words have encouraged me knowing the foot prints of the foundation we lay as parents will be the children’s guide. Amen. Thank you woman of God.

  9. I’ve never felt so closely one writin my story down.thanks

  10. Sarah your writing is more than a gift, more than a calling; it is a burden of the heart. The same burden your mother and father have for the souls of the people for Christ. You are a combination of your father’s preaching and your mother’s writing…Well Done! Continue to be open for Christ and He will continue to be open for you. Thank you

  11. Sarah am reading this in tears, we need more real pple at church that share their struggles and their pains it shall help those suffering in silence to get up from they ashes and allow God to take them back and love on them once again

  12. Sarah, your gift to write is a catharsis for the soul! Not just yours, but the countless others who have ‘been there, done that’ and to those who are there now! What an encouragement you are to the body! Keep on!

  13. God bless you so much for sharing this! I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant last year, at 19 years old. I prayed God so hard, (cuz abortion was out of the question) and He heard my cry and stopped the pregnancy within a week. I finally realized that God wanted me to slow down! Today Im stronger, wiser than ever, and God is using me to preach the gospel.

    Just look at your life now Sarah! Glory to God. He’s turned your sorrow to joy. God is so faithful and He sure loves you so much. I’ll keep your family in prayers. You’re wonderful.

  14. Encouraging,worth reading and definitely worth sharing !

  15. Windy Williams says:

    Lady Sarah, once again your words have touched a special place in my heart. I’m a witness that God’s love lifted me above the guilt, shame and gossip and empowered me to be the best young mother I could be. His mercy picked me up and His grace carried me through those dark times and guided me back to His Light. Keep sharing what’s on your heart and God will keep reaching those that would not have been reached otherwise. #reachingthemasses

  16. kcollier0827 says:

    Great testimony!!! How true indeed! I’m thankful because I’ve been in a simular situatuion. Thank You & Thank God! I never looked at it that way!

  17. Sydney Brooks says:

    Great, Fantasic Keep up the good work and let God keep using you!

  18. Annette Nsubuga says:

    Sometimes you encourage me to write…. other times you intimidate me (in a nice way). this blog falls in the category of intimidate…. hats off.

  19. So tremendously blessed by this post…God bless u for sharing:)

  20. I learned about you from a RT on twitter. I’ve been silently reading your blogs. I can no longer keep my silence. I must confess that over a week ago I read your blog “The Anger Of Yesterday”. I could have sworn that a friend sold you my story. Now, I am reading “Guided Me Home”. And while I did not have your exact experience, I felt as though you were speaking to me about my lifes journey.

    I grew up in a wonderful family. The daughter of highly respected community leaders. Both locally and abroad. And because I grew up in a ‘glass house’, I quickly learned how to smile in the midst of fake friends, and people with ulterior motives. I also learned how to give the “appearance” of keeping it together when hurt resided in every corner of my body. So when you were writing about being optimistic, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, etc. etc Sarah – you were describing me to a tee!

    AFTER reading your blog “The Anger of Yesterday” I can honestly say you have ministered the concept of forgivness in a simple, yet major way. A year ago I was blessed with the gift of a beautiful daughter. In addition, to settling into my role of motherhood, I was also seeking an attorney willing to take on the case of Annuling my marriage to the father of my child. As much as I know that I loved him dearly, yet for him our marriage was no more than a ploy by him to gain a Green Card and US Citizenship, forgiving him was the LAST thing I could try to do. Yes – I know that forgiveness is for me and not for him. And I also know every other cliche’ about forgiveness known to man. However, it was not until I read your blog that my understanding of forgivenss finally ‘clicked’. Your blog spoke so simple / yet powerful to the matter that I felt as though I had no choice but to forgive him. For real. I need to forgive him, I want to forgive and I have forgiven him … thanks to you Sarah. Besides – it’s about my relationship with God that matters, and no one else.

    I know this comment probably should have been placed in reference to your blog “The Anger of Yesterday” rather than “Guided Me Home”, but I just want to let you know that while I know you no more than you know me, you have inspired and blessed my life in a major way.

    May God continue to use you for a vessel.

    Sorry for the long comment *wiping tears from my eyes*

    Feel free to follow me @macysview

  21. Thank you for sharing your gift. It is so inspiring.

  22. All I can say is WOW!!!! 🙂

  23. Great read, your an awesome writer. I became a mom at 23 but looked younger so I can identify with all that you wrote. Thank you for sharing this, keep up the good work. God Bless

  24. Thanks for your transparency and Congratulations!!! May God richly bless you and your family!

  25. I had no idea that I was getting ready to have a feast. What can anybody say after what you just ministered.

  26. geraldine martins says:

    Thank you….

  27. Sarah, you are a Gifted writer. I am Look forward to many more blogs from you.

  28. This was absolutely wonderful. It really hit home and made me take another look at myself.

  29. Mary Hooks says:

    Wow, you did it again! What an awesome God we serve. Your story touched home with me. I was given grace at the age of 15. Once you know that He is a forgiving God; and a God of second chances,nothing anyone say or do can keep you a victim of your past. He will turn what you felt at the time around and cause it to strengthen you in areas way beyond your years. Continue to allow the Lord to Order your Steps!

  30. My life could have taken a detour that left me lost, but You saw fit to not just create a roadblock but also guided me home….
    Powerful.
    Once again you have written a blog that cuts right to the root. Your being transparent just save someones life. It’s freeing them from the secret hurt of their past.
    Many that read this will be changed by the words of your testimony. God bless you my dearest little sister. Much love for you!!!

  31. Telling it like it is! Love the open-heart ministry, it is the joy that we relish in receiving Abundant Grace! Thank you!

  32. Natalie Mott says:

    Thank you God for never leaving me even though I left you many times and placed road blocks in my heart – you have always guided me home…thank you for sharing – Sarah!

  33. Thank you, very encouraging. Our story is very similar. Keep doing what you are doing, be blessed.

  34. Argh, I pressed the trigger and couldn’t edit… Lord have mercy. Alright now, you got the raw uncut version of a comment hot off my heart sis. Lol!!! Anyway, I can go on and on, but you get the jist. I am your Number #3, someone already claimed #1 and #2 Lol. Loved, loved, LOVED this blog!! You go Girl!!!!

  35. I love you Sarah Henson. I am over here balling right now. You know, I may not be as young as you, as I will soon turn 45, but it doesn’t matter how old anyone is, you transcend all of that. I know it sounds strange, but age used to be only a number to me. I am distinctly in touch with the fact that I am no longer young. Maybe it has something to do with the season I am at in my life right now or perhaps my dreams were never realized based on all the compromising I did in my walk. Shame has been a constant companion. Your writing just hits me to the core. I can’t even articulate it, but sis you are so precious. I have never met you, but I sense your genuine when so many in the body of Christ are not. I struggle with that a lot, because I am what you call “real”. It is difficult to find like minded individuals in this walk that have your kind of depth, maturity and empathy. I guess that’s why I find you so special and gravitate to you. Sis

  36. Tasha Smith says:

    Wow. Isn’t God amazing! I felt the same way about having my child at 16. “God gave me weight to slow me down, so that I wouldn’t be like the prodigal son giving away my worth”. Having my daughter brought me to God. I knew I would need help and man and statistics were against me But God! God bless you woman of God.

  37. Patrice Hall says:

    Oh Sarah! All I can say… NEVER STOP WRITING!!! Your blog is so refreshing!!! Like Skeeter on The Help…. You are not afraid to tell the story that has never been told before AND to address issues that have never been addressed. At age 19(my sophomore year in college), I found myself in an abortion clinic, alone because i thought noone would understand, being the baby of 6 and the first in my family to go to college. Thank God for “guiding me home”! Only God can remove the guilt & shame of past mistakes. Continue to walk in boldness & confidence.

  38. Great…very great. God sees our hurt but more importantly. He doesn’t want us to remain hurt forever, rather He wants us to discover the ministry in our misery. Women like Bathseba, Rahab, Ruth & Tamar had pasts that they often cried about but God looked past it to include them in Jesus’ lineage. The past was for a purpose Sarah, thanks for discovery purpose.

  39. elsie udofia says:

    Sarah, indeed ur transparent and ministering a lot of ppl thru ur blog. May God give u more grace

  40. There is always one line in your blogs that stop me in my soul and this one it was: Submission is an invitation for Christ to dwell within us and lead us closer to His destiny for our life.
    I can’t express how deeply that touched and inspired me! Thank you for continuning to share your heart to minister to our soul!
    And Congratulations on expecting!

  41. There is always one line in your blogs that stop me in my soul and this one it was: Submission is an invitation for Christ to dwell within us and lead us closer to His destiny for our life.
    I can’t express how deeply that touched and inspired me! Thank you for contuning to share your heart to minister to our soul!
    And Congratulations on expecting!

  42. Sarah you know how to make me cry…keep writing.

    God bless you!!

  43. queenessy2011 says:

    beautiful how GOD brings out the best in us from the worst of circumstances/situations in life as the saying goes “he makes things beautiful at his own time”

  44. Someone retweeted this link and I looked past it 2 times, but for some reason felt compelled to go back and open it. Now I no why, I too had my first child at 14, and the shame of my past has been almost crippling. THANK YOU SO MUCH for being another vessel of confirmation that it’s time to forgive myself.

  45. Its funny you should write this. Its like you are in my head. This message came at the right time, for me, in my life. The last couple of days I’ve asked myself, ” who am I in God, in Christ?” And I’ve been battling with, how do I know who I am in Christ? I do feel like i’m being punished for the things I did in the past as well as the things that were done to me. I’ve wanted to give up on this and that and on life on several occassions. I just feel defeated. So my question is, where do I go from here? How do I get to that place where I no longer feel lost? How do I get “home”?

  46. Wow. Such a Blessing. Thank you so much for sharing

  47. Thanks Sarah for ministering to so many through your life lessons. God’s mercy impacts us all in different ways. If we would all be honest at some point in all our lives we had to find our way home. I am daily reminded “His Mercies are new every morning”. I love the statement “God thank You for not giving up on me…. What a blessing you are to so many!! Love your gift #2 Fan

  48. POWERFUL! What an inspiring blog post. So glad God loves us unconditionally. Aren’t you glad He’s not like man?

  49. This is as beautiful as the young lady you have become. Thank you for sharing your heart which speak to the issues of women both young and old. Some are still suffering in silence, but your voice gives them hope.

  50. Sarah, I am so thankful that you dared to be transparent here. This post encourages me in ways that I will have a difficult time expressing here without getting overwhelmed emotionally. I am so thankful that God didn’t ask others their permission before He extended His mercy and grace to us! God has been good to us, sis. Amen.

  51. Very powerful read and testimony…God sure does exchange our ashes for beauty.

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