In Love With Myself

When I walked away I knew it was for the best. I knew that you and I had nothing left. I separated myself from you so that we wouldn’t be able to stifle one another’s growth. I was prepared to no longer hear your ringtone on my cell phone, I knew that the random text messages checking on me would stop…. The one thing I wasn’t prepared for was how loud silence can be. I was used to hearing the game in the background while I made your favorite dinner. I missed hearing the sound of your sniffling nose after coming inside from cutting the grass.. Don’t get me wrong; I know I made the right decision. I just wasn’t prepared for the loneliness. Wasn’t prepared to miss the small things about you… The way you always lined my shoes up by the door so I’d never wonder where they were. The way you left the remote on my nightstand each morning so I’d never have to search for it while I got the kids ready for school.

It’s been months now and I know I should change the voicemail on the house phone but I can’t let go of the illusion that there’s a man here…. a man that I once stood side by side with while we picked out granite countertops for our dream home, started a family with, created a business with, then walked away from as if nothing ever happened… I knew it was necessary.. That staying with you would have meant losing me but I still miss you.. Miss the strength of your embrace.. I miss the memory of what our love could have been but never will be.

The truth is I’m lonely…I know we did the right thing but I can’t help but miss the familiarity of company. Where do I go from here? How can I fill the silent moments where our love once existed?

After catching up on all my shows, reading all that I can of my favorite book, I lay in bed at night listening to the house shift…. I promise there have been nights where I could hear the walls whisper among themselves in pity of who I am now. God, if you can hear me…. Please help me… I thought I was doing the right thing by letting that situation go…. By releasing myself from a situation that would have stunt my growth in the long run but, where do I go from here? How do I move on? How can I be confident about who I am?

I opened my Bible, hoping to find a message…. a scripture….. something to comfort me…. to cease the ache of loneliness in my heart. I read my favorite childhood story about Moses… It was there in Joshua 1:5 where the ache of my heart ceased. “No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.” Okay so maybe I wasn’t dealing with death or the pressure of leading a group of people who would inherit the land of their ancestors but I was grieving…. I was discouraged…. I was nervous about my future.

Sooner or later we will all deal with grief…whether it’s the death of a loved one or the death of a dream…we will all look to God at some point scared… Wondering how we will move forward, to face the uncertainty of the future. God’s answer is clear…there is no man who will be with you forever but He will never fail you. He will always sustain you, even through loneliness.

I have been so wrapped up in the loneliness of my present that I ceased to seek comfort in the One who is with me always. Having found my answer, I began praying fervently that God would send me someone who would answer my needs. Who would be the perfect balance..funny yet intelligent, fine but humble, sweet but stern… For months I continued with this prayer…yet my loneliness seemed to grow not lessen… I was frustrated, I was complaining to my sister when she finally blurted out, “Instead of asking God to send you someone, ask Him to send you, you!”

I thought about her statement for weeks. I have been praying and praying for God to send me someone to love, someone to dream with, someone to inspire me…Perhaps God is trying to tell me something. That I must first be everything I can be before a “we” can be… I began filling the silent moments of where your laugh once existed with my favorite songs. Instead of making your favorite meals, I decided to learn how to make fresh pasta and the sweetest pastries, just like I always wanted to do in college.

I began filling the void of where the promise of our love once was with the excitement of new things. I took a swing class, I wasn’t very good at it but I laughed like crazy and made tons of new friends.

The silence that was once deafening began to fade away until it was filled with just more and more of me. Sounds a little selfish, I know, but the next time I fall in love I want it to be with me first. I want to learn to be comfortable enough with myself that the presence of another complements, who I am, not completes me.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t have days when I wish I could smell your cologne on our sheets or that I don’t miss feeling your lips graze my skin each morning before you go to work but I’m okay with missing you… It means I loved you fully, that I appreciated the gift of who you were in my life, even in the smallest ways.

God, I’m lonely… I know that I needed to separate myself from them to grow but I wasn’t prepared to feel so empty. God help me to be comfortable enough with who I am that I don’t long for the touch of another, the comfort of the past that will undoubtedly halt my future. God please show me how I can build courage to meet other people, to make myself available for healthy forms of comfort. Help me to see that the people You use the most must be strong enough to stand alone. More importantly, God show me who I am in you. I want to love myself as much as you love me. I want to fall head over heels, over the moon, floating on cloud nine in love with myself…

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Comments

  1. Wow….Wow!!! These were the words that came out of my mouth as I read your post. This one Mrs. Henson was truly divinely inspired of God for it speaks to the core of the hearts of many, I dare say thousands!!! Stay close to His bosom and release what He speaks in your spirit.
    AWESOME!!

  2. Wowww I cant believe this, a minute ago I listened to a song that reminded me of my Ex and of course I started missing him, even thought of sending him an email but I did nt as I know that leaving him was for the best. I have grown spiritually and I have dates with myself, I buy myself flowers. God has been the centre of my joy..

  3. Sarah, thank you soo much for this word. It is very powerful and something I needed very much. I pray that God shows me how to love myself and be comfortable with being alone. I can relate to this very well as I am divorced and am learning how to live as a single person after 9 years of marriage. Thank you for allowing God to use to bless his people.

  4. Love your blog it’s a blessing .how can I love God , I feel that deep inadequacy in my response to God’s love for me . How can I love God truely . My loneliness stems from my inabillity to experience the love of God .just wish I could love God so much dat I could spend all of my eternity in his presence .

  5. Now you need to stop this. You making me cry everytime I read your blogs. I so need to hear this one most of all. I know other females out there appreciate how you have open up yourself and your heart to write these blogs. Amazing how we all don’t know each other but we are going through the same things.

    Thank you Thank you. You or any of the other sisters can follow me on fb Sandra Blessedbeyondbelief Butler or twitter at Sanie242.

  6. Hi, I am currently separated. It was not a mutual decision and my heart aches, the pain is so unbearable at times. I can relate to some aspects of this post. I can honestly say that I lost myself … I was wrapped up in my husband and his dreams only to find I lost sight of mine.
    During this time, I trying to find out my likes and loves. It is so hard … but with God’s help I will make it and find out what Gaybriel wants and I will fall madly in love with myself.
    I love my husband dearly and I want nothing more than reconcile with my husband. Please pray for me. Thank you for such a great post.

  7. Just can’t stop pondering over the words written in these article! They are things so close yet hardly seen, often felt but not easily understood but you put the pixels together to form this big picture in my mind. God bless you Sarah.

  8. i enjoy your blog keep doing what you are doing God bless you

  9. Niqua Niq says:

    Sarah,
    You just confirmed what I have been trying to get my mindset to comprehend & embrace !! I just started reading “The Secret” and my mindset and thoughts are transforming.
    May the Joy & Love of God be with you all the days of your life.
    May your gift lead you to the destiny God has designed!!

  10. I read your post when you first hit “Send” but I waited to comment. I had to think about it for a while….because I remembered. I remember the lonely me, the wife who felt lost in a selfish marital relationship. I am no longer married, but I am much happier now. I finally met ME! I now know who I am, what I like, who I love, etc. It is so liberating when our fulfillment and self-love is not based on someone else.

    Keep writing! I guess I’m fan #4! LOL!

  11. Wow, your writing is more than great, it is annoited, God ordained. Everytime I read one of your posts it is absolutely timely. I was just talking to God about this situation last night. This is proof he hears prayers. Thanks, keep doing what you do.

  12. Very insightful…i believe everyone can identify with the feelings of loneliness i definitely can say in the past i have but now a days i’ve been good, God has blessed me with being content within myself and with the precious friends and family that He has provided me. Great piece! But with that being said, I have not arrived i have not attained the self actualization level that Maslow’s hierarchy states. I do have every intention on becoming whole on all levels. And i pray the same prayer for you and all those that share the same passion. We all just want that completeness and it can only be found in Christ. As you have stated time and time again in your blogs. Thanks for sharing your gift with the world, your arrival is so strategic and timely. God bless you!!!

  13. Oh my Sarah, how did you know this was me. Awsome writing! Thank you soooooooooooooooooo much!
    #ahealingsoldiergirl

  14. Thank you for being so Transparent….your mess was truly a message!

  15. So needed this/ thank u for making me feel better as a whole. WOW Thank u

  16. Mrs. Henson… Bless u. Bless u. I am currently dealing with grief not over death, but over losing my ex. We were together for a long time and although its been almost a year since he left, I still find myself missing him. It still hurts. I miss him, but after reading this I know that GOD will send me someone on HIS time. I truly believe that HE wants me to love HIM first then me.

    Thank you for such an inspiring, well written piece!! I’m anticipating the book!!!!!!!!!!!

    GOD’s Richest Blessings for u and yours,
    Tekia

  17. All I can say is WOW this is exactly what I needed to read, as I will be going through this seperation.

  18. Sitting in my room reading your letter moved me i saw myself in your situation about learning to get to know myself as an individual and not be defined by my job, children, husband and a women who can handle it all. I too feel lost and i am trying to find my way but what im trying to find i dont know. My life is facing many storms right now and in my heart i know God is trying to connect with me and i just want to know his voice His direction and to comfort me

  19. Sonya Goins says:

    You wrote this, but every word, every sentence, every line spoke to my heart about me. Every sentence was a message that open me up to see that I need to let go of things and people and grab whole to me and love me and relax with me and create within me. Thanks for opening my head and make the words expand into my mind, so I can see me clearly and never feel lonely again with me and love me the way God loves me. God bless

  20. Sarah,
    That was good! As womenwe have to continue to embace God and other things for us. We are beautiful and intelligent women that wants to be loved the right way.

  21. Thanks Sarah! I’m going through this now. I have always loved myself, but now realizing the person I married did it for the wrong reason and we are now divorced (feb 10, ’11 it was final), everytime I see him I tend to think about what could have been. We have a 3 yr old daughter and although at times it gets hard, I know who and whose I am (doesn’t help his new gf lives literally up the street from me…lol). However, we are still cordial and friends which helps this whole process! I’m learning to take time for me a lot more, especially when I don’t have my daughter. Nobody really understands the pain of a divorce, especially if your parents are still together, but I hide it well in public and around my daughter. Every now and then I might cry, but I know its healing for the soul and God has someone much better for me. Now, the only question I get is why haven’t I dropped my married name?! Again, thank you for sharing!

  22. jeevan matyus says:

    Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! exact timing……………fr me… amazing.~~~~~~~~~~~`

  23. Wow!! You expressed it so eloquently, how I’ve felt since my marriage fell apart and my ex-husband walked out of my life over a year ago. Bless you for letting God use you to help heal and encourage. I feel GREAT knowing that God is filling that “empty space” and loving myself first is the way to go!

  24. Sarah,
    Thank you.. Every since i had start following your blogs they have inspired me. Just like you i was lonley for years.. I wanted that attention, love and honestly i wanted to be wanted so bad to that was all i was thinking about. Then I heard a word.. I decided that I need to love me! I went back to college, graduated, starting working on my body, got in shape. I also learned to swing out and loved every minute of it. Once I did love myself i felt like i was a new person. Thank yo lady for sharing your thoughts w/us.. I know that there is so much instored for you in this future.. Once again thank you so much your sharing..

  25. Macy @macysview says:

    ….*speechless* …..*sigh* …. Sarah – THIS post was relevant, effective and ON TIME!

  26. I will definitely be sharing this!! I know this woman. I was once her…

  27. Sarah, You have really just opened up my eyes! I am going to re-post this because you really helped me and I have some friends who are going through this exact same thing. I so admire you for being so candid and open sharing! May God continue to comfort you!

  28. monablair68 says:

    Sarah OMG. you are an awesome woman of God.. It doesnt matter how you start what matters is how you finish. I have been praying.. Lord teach me how to love me again.I was just seeing this guy whos and ordained pastor and he took me to the bank and walked out my life.I had to tell the guy the name of the Lord is a Strong Tower where the righteous run in and are SAFE. Its normal to feel some pain but, Im gone be alright now as for him you reap what you sow.

  29. Tnk Ʊ Sarah,just wat I needed at dis time .guess is time to change ♍Ɣ prayer an ask God to bring me …me

  30. Brenda Michel says:

    Listen you wrote my whole entire story for the past 2 years of my life. For the past year I thank God that I can finally say I lovvvvve Brenda Michel in the way I should and I love God more for allowing me to see me for who I truly am.
    I had always felt like I couldn’t be alone and needed someone to not only complete me but to make me happy. So when the Lord called me to be by myself I was so scared but was motivated to heed to His voice because my hunger and thirst to possess something different from what I was use to exceeded the fear that I had of being alone. I became desperate Sarah so desperate wanting to be happy truly happy.

    After I did leave and some time had pasted I started to go through the phase of asking myself….If I was doing the right thing? If it was really God who told me to leave or was that just me? The doubt caused me to tip toe backwards convincing myself I needed to know. When all along I knew that I knew it was over because God made it clear that it was. BUT….my flesh desired what was now considered the forbidden fruit. I fell into the temptation and found myself back to square one.

    Knowing all that I knew but I fell backward, pressed rewind and put myself back to the dark pity that God delivered me from. BUT….God loved me too much to keep me there. Inspite of my unstabled mind He delivered me again from that. It was a lesson learned though. One put no trust in mankind, two obedience is key to my walk with Christ, three I must die of my flesh daily (for real), three patience is a virtue, four don’t rush the process and the list goes on.

    Though I made the mistake, though I fell, though I was left with shame, in pain from my self-inflicted wounds, these thing helped me to grow as a woman. Sometimes no…most times we have to be hurt and betrayed by our assumptions and imaginations in order to face the truth of reality of ourselves, the people around us and the things we give permission to happen to us.

    I now know the boundaries that must be set, the standards, values, and morals that are set by God for me to live by. In order that I may not only be seen as a virtuous woman but to truly be a virtuous woman of God. So I continue to wait NOT for my Boaz but on God who will send him to me. While I continue to seek, inquire and acquire of my Creater who will continue to develope and teach me to be the Queen that He created and called me to be. So when Boaz comes he can’t come to complete me when he will already find me made whole. This is an equation of multiplication not addition.
    Thank you for taking me back but this time in a good way.lol. I pray God continues to bless you, the gift of word within you and all that is attach to you….GOD BLESS!!!!

  31. Sarah…Sarah…Sarah!!! You have opened your life for God to use you to help others. I LOVE YOUR writings, but most of all I love the comments from your followers. You are truly letting God use you to help others….what an awesome journey!!!

  32. Wow! I was in the same position but God…told me 2 love me in order 2 love another. I’m learning how everyday. My twitter is now Kathyc_LovinMe…I’m on my quest 2 lovin myself more & more everyday. Sarah…Thanks 4 sharing…great inspiration!

  33. Patrice Hall says:

    Great piece! This was so well written. Waiting patiently on the book 🙂 #3 Fan!

  34. God bless u Sarah! This is phenomenal! Captures the heart and thoughts of those hurting….Great!

  35. God bless you for your message. Been going through the same thing myself but am learning to lean on God as he provides daily

  36. Your letter was a true blessing to me. I’m currently going through a break up with my x but we decided to work on getting our relationship back on track. But God keeps tugging at me and I keep hearing him say love you love you. Your message inspired me so much. Times like this you feel that your the only person going through this particular situation. Continue to let God use you in your writing because your message was very powerful.

    • Sarah after reading your message and responding back. The next day I got a dear John email stating its over. The only thing that popped in my mind is your message. A part of me want to cry but the other side of me is excited to start that relationship bond with God. I know it’s not going to be easy being alone but with God all things are possible. I’m starting s tweet with my journey. In Love with myself?

  37. Nanjala Pauline says:

    Wow am reading this in Kenya its great! Amazing ! God Bless you indeed. I Have shared your article to several ladies and am sure it will ne an energy booster.

    God expand you!!

  38. Am so grateful to God for this inspiring message. It’s seems like its my life’s story dat’s being expressed on dis page….I’v found out dat the only cure to loneliness is dependability on God’s word, which assures u of ur self worth and how valuable u are. One of the tricks dat loneliness plays is making u wallow in self pity. Infact in knowing dat u can find out various way
    s of making urself happy and contented

  39. Hi, this has come so in season, and I can relate to all that has been said in this post, may God continue to bless you and enrich you with more timely words

  40. Beautiful….Thank You for such and amazing story, and God bless you!! This was very much an inspiration!

    -Pauline

  41. Dear Sarah
    I hear you deeper than what you saying, you wrote here exactly what GOD told me when I separated from a relationship that was distorting my growth, clouding my vision, chopping my wings and robing me of myself.

    I have just prayed the prayer you wrote, and I fully agree with everything written on this post!!

    God Bless you.

  42. Deep!!!

  43. WOW Sarah from reading the blog and the comments you can see your thoughts are appreciated and needed. I commend you on your skills…it appeals many ppl thought it was your personal journey which means it was masterful because you made the reader feel they were reading a personal account. Great job again!!
    #2 Fan

  44. Thank u!

  45. Wow! You are truly amazing in being transparent through your writing! There is an annointing that flows through your mind and blesses your hands to write the way you do! Continue to let God use you!

  46. Needed this, thank you! God bless you!

  47. Don’t fully know your situation, but my husband wanted to separate from me for what sounds like the same reason you separated from your husband. He thought he was losing himself. I have never known such heartache. I believed that we were one and he sliced me in two or just ripped my heart out. I was kicked to the curb… That was NOT God’s leading. Jesus said in Matthew 16:25, “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it”. Perhaps God hasn’t sent you anyone because He already did and you rejected him.

    • Joy,

      I’m actually happily married for three years now… Sometimes when I write I don’t do it from personal experience but rather place myself in another’s shoes and strive to give them a voice. Based on your comment, I think it worked a little better than I wanted lol!

      Thank you for reading…

      All the best,
      Sarah

      • thank you for the article……i read it like it was my own story!!!

      • Dear Sarah, ur story was very deep. I appreiciate the essence of needing 2 love ourselves 4 therein can we truly love others. Its just u describe a marriage of someone who was caring but the wife needs 2 find herself thus leaves the marriage. There’s not much info on if there was infedelity or abuse etc in these times where there is such a promotion of self gratification as believers particularly in the area of marriage I think we must promote the right message- would we now join the world and say we divorced 4 ‘irreconcilable differnces’ I’ve been married 11yrs and know it can be tought but I’ve learned in marriage can be be our biggest tests of FAITH and real agape love!!
        I hope I don’t sound judgemental but as a church family we have to walk the word and not just be moved by our emotions.

        bless u Sarah, I wish u Gods best

      • Anne,

        I appreciate your comment and you don’t sound judgmental at all. I used this example solely to illustrate loneliness, not to necessarily advocate divorce. I was hoping the message that loneliness can be used to better one’s self would be found at the base of this blog. Sometimes people are able to find that message, sometimes they aren’t :)… Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your feedback.

        Sarah

  48. Very well put young lady if I can say respectfully an old cliche’ ” You are definitley a old man’s child” for there is a lot of wisdom coming from you keep following that first mind and that soft still voice you will never go wrong.

    Keeping You Lifted Up,
    Min. Cerrita

  49. Wow!! How often we forget God’s promise to us in the event of loss that we loose our selves in it… Man’s greatest failure is trying to achieve without God that even strength is misplaced in the process. Iam inspired and encouraged by this prayer,dear God please send me me, iv never met me and I’d love more than anything else to meet you in me!

  50. Awesome and most timely.

  51. That is my story,but after reading this I realized how strong I am becoming. Thanks Bishop and Sarah. The years of sulking are gradually fading away…I need to discover me!

  52. Sydney Brooks says:

    Excellent, it is funny but I am still kinda feeling that now after 20years. I was dating someone and he died very unexpectantly. Even though it not at the front of my mind as it was. It is still there. I know this may sound crazy, I am not sure if I want to Love like that again if that makes any sense.

    • I don’t think it sounds crazy at all.. You loved from the best parts of you.. Perhaps someone will come who you dare to love that fully again or perhaps that love will be your finest treasure.

  53. All I can say is WOW!!! I am currently married and feel that same loneliness. Your words struck a cord and I’m in awe right now. Thank you for the message.

  54. I love it! Thank you for sharing yourself.

  55. Wow!! Truely inspiring, God bless U

  56. Great article! I have also learned that we experience loneliness not because we lack that person in our lives, but rather because we lack the purpose for our lives. When we discover, live, and fulfill God’s purpose for our lives we are fulfilled by the most important relationship there is- our relationship with God Himself. In Him, there is fullness of joy.

  57. Hi, Sarah,
    All I can say is, wow. Your words in this blog really hit home. My wedding date was… 11.26.11…couldn’t go through with it. I lost myself in the journey between the beginning of the relationship and the altar. I am glad I have an opportunity to “be in love with myself”… Great job!!! 🙂

  58. You speak the sentiments of my heart. Thank you so much.

  59. That is just me right there……Thank you

  60. Sarah…I wish I could hi-5 you for sutch an awesome post. I had to reshare. Thank God for blessing you with the gift, to express what women are afraid of admitting, more less, realize about His love. That brought tears to my eyes, and I. Lived every word you wrote. God has so much for us than being vulnerable and needy of man. KUDOS!!!!

  61. Powerful!! Wow, just powerful!! Thank you!

  62. one of the most beautiful inspirational stories….

  63. Sarah, your posting is exactly what I am and have gone through. God had to remove my two best friends. He did it to show me who I am in Him. He did it for me to no longer walk in their shadow but to walk into and be the woman He created me to be. Thank you so much for your writings they hold truth, healing, and deliverance. I pray for your strength and blessings as you touch many lives. Be blessed

    • I’m so glad for this comment. I only used an illustration of a divorced woman to make it more “personable” but this message is about loneliness on all levels… So Godly proud of you for having strength that often evades us all.

  64. Thank you Bishop Jakes for the link and thank you Sarah for speaking to my heart! I am recently going through a break up and the Loneliness is so Loud. .I feel just like you did.Thank you so very much. I truly needed to hear this!

  65. I really needed this. I am going through a divorce, and I feel like no one understands the pain and the hurt that I deal with behind closed doors because I mask it so well publicly. But all this sounds so familiar to me. But now, I will focus on lovely myself and asking God to send me me. Thank you so much for sharing.

    • Praying for you during this time… Grief does not always come with the death of a person.. We experience it with the death of a dream as well. You are strong enough to make it.

  66. thank you so much for writing this piece .It is an answer to my prayer and pain, as I’m navigating a similar situation and finding my way as I feel lost. Thank you so much May God bless you

  67. Another great post, Sarah! Loneliness & isolation can bring about a deafening silence. And it can also position you to hear God’s voice loud & clear as the voices from the past fade away. Thank you for sharing your heart in this post. I plan to forward this to a few friends.

  68. I follow Bishop Jakes on Twitter and saw that he had retweeted your post, so I wanted to check it out. I’m glad I did! I’m going through a divorce and your words couldn’t have came at a more perfect time. Thank you friend for sharing your heart with readers like me!

  69. WOW!!..Nicely written..It just flows right out of you.Sure as the day comes full of New Mercies, God will give you the desires of your heart!..Don’t fret .

  70. Thank you awe inspiring…

  71. OMG!!!Thank you Bishop Jakes for the link and thank you Sarah for taking the words right out of my mouth! I am going through a recent break up and the loneliness is Loud. .I truly needed to hear this..Thank you so very much. .

  72. i love it!!! alot of people need to read this!

  73. WOWWW!! First of Alllll, i thought i was going to see a Pic!! LOLOL!! HAHAHA!! otherrrrwise … I WOULD NOT HAVE COME IN HERE!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Sarah … You Are Reeeeeeeeally An Excellent WriTer. I Cant imagine being with someone THAT!!! close – buying houses and all that stuff and then separating. i dont even want to imagine that kind ov pain. subconsciously, i planned alife that would ensure certain pains i would never encounter … only to find pain is pain – no matter what. did i build a life impenetrable in order to avoid pains that closeness can bring .. in ignorance not realizing the burdens that choice would someday bring. you are really on a roll … i’m not gonna deny these truths God Makes Me You Speak. Thank You Sarah. Our God Blesss You/EverYBody!!! Amen.

  74. All I can say is you have done it again!! Love it. I have some friends that I am going to share this with because it fits their situation perfectly!!! You seem to write the right things at the right time! Thanks Sarah!!

  75. Brittany Eady says:

    Wow…..I’m speechless! #lifechanging

  76. “Instead of asking God to send you someone, ask Him to send you, you!” Thank You once again!!!!!!!!!!!! Truly an inspiration, my inspiration.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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