Use Me God

There have been things…things I’d rather not share…things no one should ever think or dare…There have been men…. strange men…. old men… weird men…scary men… men that replace the whole where my daddy should have been. There have been women… one after another…notches on belt after belt.. There have been drugs… drugs that erase the men and the women.. drugs that bring my mind ease and quiet my secrets… Cause Lord knows there have been secrets.. deep, ugly, family secrets… Secrets that bring tears so hot to my eyes, it burns… There has been hurt and pain.. both emotional and physical..

You see everyone’s life isn’t a fairytale… If life is about climbing mountains, then I’ve climbed Mount Everest…and no matter how much I climb, how hard I try… another something just gets in my way… To be honest…I’m tired and I don’t think I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. All I see right now is the darkness…All I can hear right now are the whispers of why I should never try to be anything more than what I am right now….

Everyone walking around this church has it all figured out. They have faith that could move a mountain… The only tears they cry are those of adulation to a God I feel I could never access… I’m standing on the outside looking in…. Looking at a God that I can’t feel or hear… So I gave up, let intimidation take over…. I’ll never be able to be like them, the others, the God lovers…My past is too murky, my closet to dirty. I can keep living the way I live and feel no pressure to change…

This is a message for those who feel they’ve gone too far to ever receive grace. This blog isn’t for those who have it figured out or those waiting to condemn. This is a message for you, on the outside looking in, looking for a place where you can fit in…. I’m going to let you in on a secret…one we church folk don’t often tell. Every pew, every hat, every suit, every choir member, even every preacher…we all have things, men, women, sex, drugs, and other loves…We all have a past filled with pain….secrets that bring tears so hot it burns our eyes..

On any given day, before we felt His conviction, we could have been on the same corner, crack house, stranger’s bed, dark alley, crowded bar, or jailhouse…If we were honest, some of us would even admit God was our last resort. We’d tried everything but nothing else worked so we tried God. Whether we admit it or not, someone in the pews has felt the same fear…the same darkness…

We can get so caught up trying to make sure that we “fit in”, that our walk with Christ is so effortless that we alienate others. Make them believe that if they feel temptation or struggle that they are alone. Over the course of the last few months that I’ve had this blog, the most consistent comment I receive is thanks for being “transparent…” It has made me realize that people are craving for someone to stand up and say, “This is hard!” ‘This is lonely!” “I’m scared..” it appears we are waiting for someone to stand up and make them realize they are not alone. Let us not build churches, ministries, denominations, that only permit people to have highs and no lows…

I don’t ever want to be so concerned with a counterfeit appearance that I lose real salvation.  The dictionary defines ministering as, helping someone. How can we help someone if we do not acknowledge that which has them in distress? We cannot ignore the realities of life. The reality is that there are moments when trusting God is difficult, there are moments when He is the one and only person who can lend your heart any comfort, there are moments when you do all the right things but life still hurts… The truth is serving God doesn’t keep bad things from happening to you, but it does insure that everything that happens is to going to better you.

I won’t sell you a dream…convince you that things will always be easy… If Jesus, who knew He served a greater purpose, called out to God asking, “Why has thou forsaken me?” Surely we will too. Sometimes as Christian we must endure affliction, in order to obtain victory. It was the true worshipper, David, who said in Psalms 37:25  “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”  It was in Job 13:15 when he declared, “Though He slay me, yet shall I trust in Him.”  The faith isn’t in giving your life to God, it’s in not taking it back. It’s allowing God to have His way with your life, even if it’s not what you had in mind.

I won’t speak for all Christians; just on my own behalf…there have been moment when I wanted to ask God…. ”Why has thou forsaken me?” and my life hasn’t been .000000000008 of a percent as righteous as Christ… Having those moments doesn’t make me less of a Christian, it won’t make you less of one either…Just because you don’t vocalize those thoughts, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t know you have them. I want to have a relationship with Him so real that I feel comfortable enough to say, “I’m scared…”

We serve a real God, so why not be real?  I’m not suggesting that everyone stand on a stage and air their personal road to salvation….I’m just asking…when someone comes to you and they’re afraid…they need to hear that they aren’t alone… don’t condemn them…don’t judge them …alienate them just so you don’t put a chink in your armor.

God, I believe that You are sending a message to Your people that it’s time out for appearance…It’s time that we show the power of His salvation to those thirsty for a taste. God already gave us the Messiah, its time we realize You aren’t looking for another, You’re looking for someone who can help translate the power of the Blood shed on Calvary. God if You’re going to use anybody, use me! I know that I’m not worthy, I know that my life isn’t squeaky clean but I am ready…God I am willing to make a stand for those who are scared….to give a voice to those still searching for their own…If you’re looking for someone who’s willing to show where they made wrong turns, so that another can find an easier way to you…Use me God..

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