Guided Me Home

Large clothes covering a growing tummy, swollen feet, incessant slumber, too many emotions to fit in a young heart. Where do I go from here? Playing with fire, my hand got burned. Only God knew where I was…only He could save me. Too afraid of what those closest to me would feel. I’d rather play pretend then face the reality of who I am. It was too hard to admit that I had messed up this badly. I disappointed myself, wanted too much too soon. I hurt myself.

Sitting in the heart of our home expecting an outburst of anger, a yell of sorrow I learned in a loving embrace that you’d rather correct yourself than be corrected by God. You will never be able to stray so far away that God can’t reach you, but the further you stray the harder it is to find your way home. I found home at the age of 14 in a labor and delivery room, with my parent’s surrounding me, praying as God gave me an insurance policy that I’d never stray that far away again.

God gave us free will so that we can feel what life is like without Him. Submission is an invitation for Christ to dwell within us and lead us closer to His destiny for our life. I am faithful to God because I need Him to be faithful to me. I want to live a life that makes him proud of who I am and what I have done with the air He breathed into my lungs. I had to work twice as hard as everyone around me to make sure I didn’t get left behind. I exchanged sleepovers for late nights watching Barney, exchanged midriff tops for onesies… For all of this I am grateful. God gave me weight to slow me down, so that I wouldn’t be like the prodigal son giving away my worth.

I can remember feeling like everyone was staring at me, thinking negative thoughts…. I became very familiar with shame, learned quickly how loud whispers can be, how fast rumors travel. …More importantly I learned to never let anything or anyone convince me I was no longer worthy of dreaming, living my life to the fullest.

This is for you…You who chose to give up on your dream because you’re convinced the weight of your past will never outweigh the hope of your future. I just wanted to tell you something that I learned, something that remains true to this day….Find out who you are in Christ, allow him an invitation to live in the deepest darkest parts of your heart. When you know whose you are, you will without a doubt run into WHO you are. God doesn’t take into account the opinions of others before he decides whether or not to lend us grace.

God’s grace has seeped into the holes of crack houses, shelters, abortion clinics, jails, even the labor and delivery room of a 14 year old girl. God’s grace doesn’t consult the whispers’ of men because he knows their deepest, darkest secrets, as well.

What you’re going through may feel like punishment now but ,when you survive this you will see it was God guiding you back. Don’t talk yourself out of living because one time 8..12..17..20 years ago, God had to pull you back in. He’s pulled us all in, allowed us all to discover how difficult life can be without Him. Be thankful when God doesn’t let you have what you want, when you want it. He knows our limits, knows when we’ve had too much. God doesn’t serve us, we serve Him. I find myself pregnant again, at the age of 23, this time with possibility. I am embracing the obstacles of my past, they made me strong for such a time as this.

God I thank You for not giving up on me when man said I was unworthy. I thank You for being faithful to me even when I turned my back on You. I don’t know what You protected me from but I am grateful You saw worth in me that I did not see in myself. I realize now when I thank You for protection, that it includes protecting me from myself. My life could have taken a detour that left me lost, but You saw fit to not just create a roadblock but also guided me home….